Chapter Text
Joel and you, Wyoming, 1973.
If you've never had to hear a mother cow when they have their calf taken away from them, you should consider yourself lucky. The awful sound of them bellowing from the barn is heartbreaking, and sometimes it would last for days. When you begged Joel to not sell the calves, just not this year, he shrugged you off and said we need the money. Joel would normally only sell maybe one or two calves a year and kept the rest, but this year was different. When Belinda was sick during planting season, Joel was only able to get barely half of what he would normally grow planted. He couldn’t keep the calves unless he had enough corn to feed them, and he couldn't have enough corn if he wasn’t able to plant it. He decided he had to sell some off not only because he couldn't afford to feed them, but to make up for all of the other crops he wouldn't be able to sell this year.
Joel had a particularly good calving season, and you knew it was good for the farm. Despite his lack of enthusiasm about anything at all lately you knew he felt relief when he knew he could sell the calves to make up for money lost in crops. Once they were old enough to be separated from their mother, Joel called other dairy farms looking to expand their herd and sure enough he had no trouble finding farmers willing to take the calves off his hands. The time for that has come and the sound of is about to drive you mad. The clouds are low and glowering as you cover your ears and run as fast as you can to the north field. Your lungs are burning as you lean against the fence and heave in big breaths. You can still hear them, the bellowing, the bond of love being severed. All you can do is plop yourself in the grass and wait for it to stop. You waited until the sun had set behind its cloud curtain, a sigh tangled into the gray dust of it. You waited until it was nearly dark, cold setting into your bones and the early summer crickets vibrate in the trampled grass field. The wailing hadn’t stopped completely but had died down enough for you to decide to head back in. Grumbling and kicking your feet at how Joel was handling things. Belinda has been gone for only a few months and Joel was so cold, so indifferent towards everything and you couldn’t take it, couldn’t take any more sadness so that's why you begged him not to sell them. He wouldn't listen. You were trying to be patient, trying to show sympathy as he dealt with his grief but sometimes, you were scared that he’s turning mean. He’s turning cold and mean and he won't reach a place where he turns back into that sweet and kind man you knew before.
When you get back to the house, you already know Joel won't be there. As he has done in years past, you know after the buyers have come and collected their calves and payed Joel, he goes into town with the money to buy seed, small pieces of equipment he needs, and of course a drink to celebrate. In years past he would always return from town with a little something for Belinda, a little tradition from when he was a logger and had to buy her something that reminded of him of her at the store. This year, there would be no sighs of delight coming from their kitchen as Belinda clutched a new little something between their embraced bodies.
The cows had already been put in and Joel’s truck is gone. He didn’t even come find you to say goodbye. You go into the barn and try to soothe the mothers the best you can, petting them gently between their wild eyes. Telling them it would be alright whether you believed it or not. You’re mad a Joel. You’re mad and tired and dirty and so sad. You’re grumbling as you start to walk home, fists clenching and wondering if it was a mistake to work with him like this. He’s not unkind, just doing what every farmer would need to do in this situation. But you feel he could have handled it gentler, could have talked to you about it instead of letting those men come and start hauling off the babies that you had helped stand on their own two feet after they were born. Days like today make you really wonder if you have the guts to do this. You stop just at the end of Joel’s drive and you look out at the rows of corn now sprouting, so fragile and new, pushing up past the cold dirt to get a taste of life. You think of the back breaking work Joel had to do to get them, running between the spare bedroom he was using as a sick room and the field. Needing to be with Belinda but needing to plow and plant and water to ensure their livelihood for the next year. Up until about six months ago, he had something good and wonderful put in his hands, successful farm, crops to come, wife who loved him, just to have it ripped from his hands and buried in the ground. After Belinda was gone, Joel just went back to work, he did not bellow like a cow when his own bond of love was severed. He went back to work to provide for his farm, to provide for you. You unclench your fists, face softening as you turn back around to the house. Joel might very well be hungover when he gets back home so you make things easier for him and set out everything he would need to make coffee and right himself in the morning. You go upstairs to his room, you set out a glass of water on his nightstand and a fresh shirt for him on the bed. Hopefully he gets the idea to sober up and change before flopping into bed for the night.
Joel knows he should have come and found you to tell you he was heading into town for a bit. He felt guilty that he almost snapped at you and he knew he didn’t handle your distress well at all earlier. He knows you're trying your best and this is all new to you as well. He could never thank you enough for the way you stepped up to help not only his farm, but to help him. But the truth is, he was really struggling today. With the loss of Belinda still fresh, the work piling up faster than what he thought he could handle and the look on your face at the sounds of the calves crying, he was at his breaking point. It was overwhelming and he completely dismissed you when he should have talked to you about it. He had seen you run out to the field, hands over your ears and it reminded him of the first year his wife had to listen to those sounds. It never gets any easier and for a split second he wondered if he should just sell everything and go back to logging so as to not put anybody through things like this ever again. But then he remembered that you had nobody left yourself and wondered what you would do if he left, he could never leave you here all alone. After the calves were sold and hauled away, he apologized and apologized and apologized to the mothers. It was just the way things worked and it meant another year with money to keep the farm running. After about an hour and the barn had quieted, he looked across the field for you. He didn’t see you walking back, fingers twisting and braiding blades of glass you picked like you always did when he managed to piss you off and you needed space. You always came back in a few hours, a peace offering of a woven grass bracelet or a daisy chain made for him. This time was no different he supposed, and he just wanted to give you your space. So, Joel left to go into town for just a few hours for supplies and a drink at the bar to get rid of the ache for a bit.
A few hours turned into Joel resting his head on the bar countertop, stars swimming behind his eyes and feeling his body fading. He put his head on the cool wood and his mind kept going and going and going, never quieting down no matter how many drinks he had. One drink turned into two, turned into three, turned into four. That turned into the bar owner placing a gentle hand on Joel’s shoulder to rouse him, to tell him it was nearing midnight. Joel got up with a groan, there was no way he was driving home like this and very likely will end up sleeping in his truck until he’s sure he won't fall asleep at the wheel. It was raining heavily as he walked out of the bar, but Joel didn’t care. It felt so good on his skin. He got to his truck and pulls open his door when he notices a woman, wet and shivering with her jacket over her head and doing her best to stay out of the rain under a shops overhang. Joel slides into the front seat and closes his door, turning on the truck and cranks the heat as best he could. He was going to drive away, he really was but he looked back up at the woman. She was still shivering and he wondered what she would be doing out so late and in the rain. Joel shuddered in the cold before opening the door to call out to her.
“Ma’am, you alright?” He calls, voice fuzzy in the rain pelting the street.
”I’m fine, just waiting for the rain to let up and I can be on my way.” She tries to smile and keep her voice steady through her shivering, rain mist clinging to her lips and cheeks. Joel thinks for a moment, it wouldn’t be wise for a woman to get into a complete stranger's vehicle, he knows that. But the only thing on his mind was concern for her safety and her catching a cold in this weather. He also knows he’s sobered up quite a bit, his last drink was hours ago and the cold from the rain cleared his head considerably. There was something about the way the woman looked, so vulnerable and alone, vacant stare in her eyes as she locked them with his through the wet window of the truck again. Maybe she though the same thing as she stared back at him, that sad, empty look, because she slowly walked from where she was standing to the other side of his truck and got in.
She thanks Joel once they started driving, she tells him she was staying at the motel across town the one that read VAC NCY for years and years now. She tells him, lip quivering that she was alone, her husband left her for the girl his parents always wanted him to marry and now she has to stay at the motel until she figures out what to do. Her folks were back home in Kanas City and were mad at her for getting married to him in the first place. She talks, Joel listens. Something about Joel’s quiet sadness makes her feel safe enough to talk about the things she couldn't tell anybody else. Maybe it was that, maybe it was because they both knew they would never see each other again. Joel was going to drive away when he pulls up to the motel, he really was. But she thanks him for the ride and just stands there looking at him again. Mutual unhappiness and the unfairness of life lingering between the two of them. He gets out of his truck and follows her inside the motel.
When he wakes up the next morning, she was gone. All of her things that he noticed last night, purse, clothes strewn about, crumpled money on the dresser. All gone when he sat up in the bed. He didn’t know where she went and he didn’t wonder about it if he was being honest. He was dizzy as he reached for the pack of cigarettes on the nightstand, leftovers from last night. He was smoking and sobering up as the woman took off her clothes, Joel feeling absolutely nothing as he fucked her and felt immediate guilt as she smiled softly when they were done. She rolled over to fall asleep and he sat up for hours wondering why the hell he just did that and hating himself for it. It was a mistake, a heat of the moment mistake. He went to sleep the night before curled as far away from the woman as he could. He went to sleep thinking about you, about how he just left you alone sat in his field. After everything, he just thinks about you and he wondered how he was going to look you in the eye after this and wishing he had just gone out and sat with you in the field instead.
Joel and You, 1975.
Joel Miller is a gentle lover. You should have expected him to be this way, he fucks exactly the way he farms. Attentive and careful, so sure of himself and thorough. With the exception of a careful hand squeezing on your neck sometimes, warm eyes searching for the go ahead, Joel is so sweet and gentle with you always. You can’t get enough of him now, no amount of kissing or fucking or touching ever feels like enough for either of you. He drives you insane. You can't get enough of the sweet, heady smell of him when he turns over at night and gathers you into his arms, sleep warm and sated after just going at it mere hours ago. Your lips find his neck, then his chest, then both of his thighs before you’re taking him into your mouth. Restarting exactly what he said he needed at least two days to recover from before he fell asleep. Some days he will catch you in the kitchen in the morning, his or yours, slicing spread, spreading on honey thick marmalade for breakfast. He would spread you out on the table and eat you out until you were crying, his large, warm hands holding your shaking knees apart. He would just wipe away the tears and replace them with kisses so loving you wondered if he loved you for real. You don't bring that up to him yet, deciding for now you’re just happy to be in this warm little bubble you created for yourselves. A space where you both were starting to feel ok again, starting to feel like it was ok to be happy despite the nagging feeling that you’re doing something wrong.
The more time that goes by, the more difficult you find it to not fall under the spell that you think is love. The more time you spend with Joel, and the more you are able to see this different side of hm, the easier it is to start convincing yourself that this is what love feels like. Yesterday for example, was a perfect day with him and the day you decided to call it what it was. Love. He was up early of course, he slept over at your house again and you’ve grown used to his schedule. Usually you roll out of bed at the same time with him, groaning because it’s a whole hour before you have to get up. He pinned you back down to the bed when you were rolling out of it and told you to stay sleeping. His annoyingly large body laying on you as he said he knew how to make his own coffee and then kissed promises of having lunch together later into your skin. You tried to mumble in protest, but he kissed your nose and tucked the blankets back up to your chin despite the room being warm. You got the picture that he meant business and you should just stay in bed. You sighed and rolled over with a huff before settling into the warm spot his body made. Joel just laughed sleepily and creaked his way downstairs with his clothes gathered in his hands.
Lunch with Joel today took you by surprise. Normally it’s a quick sandwich at the table and a lingering kiss afterwards before getting back out to the fields. You were on your back stoop shucking corn for dinner later when Joel came around back to you. He was carrying a basket and a quilt older than you slung over his shoulder. You looked at him like it was oddest sight in the world to see him carrying a picnic basket, you didn’t even know he had one.
"Joel, the corn, the chickens will eat it." You whined as he took you by the hand and started leading you away from your house, hands starch sticky from shucking.
"Then I'll shuck you another bushel myself and cook the chickens that ate yours.” He told you, mischief in his eyes.
You giggled as he squeezed your hand and dragged you out to the north field. It was hot and sticky outside again, the milkweed are full and split open to spill out in the sun. Their silken seed pods carried away in the breeze and tickle your nose every so often. Joel picked a grassy spot near the tree you used to read under, sun and grass and berry bushes and Joel spreading the blanket out for you to sit on. You watched him with that honey warmth slipping down your bones as he carefully pulled the contents from the basket to lay before you in offering. Little sandwiches with the crusts cut off, sliced cucumbers and tomatoes, tiny frosted cakes he must have cracked the baking supplies out for because they were cut with a cookie cutter. Cut in the shapes of little hearts. Your own heart beat wildly as you looked at them and tried not to overthink this tiny gesture and what it meant coming from him. He just sat down across from you and poured sparkling cider into the glasses he brought, sun dripping down his back as he clinked his glass against yours. “For another successful season.” He said, referencing the fact that all of his crops grew and grew well this year and he’s now out of the woods for something going wrong. His crops are sturdy and strong and he’s bringing in the money that would get them through another year.
You tried not to let the disappointment nag at you. If you’re being honest, you thought this was where he would confess he loved you, that he doesn’t know when or how it happened but he loves you. Where he would let you know it’s ok to finally admit it out loud and to call it what it was. Love. But this is just as well, just as sweet. This gesture of appreciation for you, for you being with him through everything. Joel leaned in and kissed you, he kissed you like he loved you. So sweet and gentle, not willing to pull away so he gripped your chin in a gentle hold to make you melt into him further. You felt yourself sink into it, into him. You sunk into the quilt with him, into the grass beneath it, crumpled under your weight, into the sun warmed soil, with the roots and crawling things. You kissed him until there’s nothing left except you and him and the things you buried in the earth between you.
After you had eaten and touched and giggled and kissed until your lips hurt you walk back to your house hand in hand. He took the rest of the day off with you, lounging in your sun filled bedroom as you read and folded clothes washed free from guilt and sorrow finally and put them away with him. He helped you make dinner at his house, both of you feeling guilty for leaving Button alone so long. You made corn and chicken, creamed spinach and a pie from your overflowing berry stock. Flicks of flour on his cheek, on your cheek, a swipe of cream across your bottom lip for him to suck off, giggling and telling him dinner would never get done if he didn’t stop. He pulled you into him, mumbled my sweet baby into your hair and you felt yourself float away on a love dust air current heading straight for the moon. You lit candles on the table, pulled out of the drawer and dusty from disuse, now warm and dripping wax down their bodies. You and Joel ate together, warm and happy, his rough thumb writing words you can’t make out over the back of your hand when he holds it. The pie settles sweet and tangy in your stomach as he laughs so easily with you now. The gristly misery dissipating with each sip of the tea you have after dessert. That night he laid down in his bed, skin soft and clean after taking a warm bath together. His muscles stretching out and resting against the mattress. He told you his back was hurting something terrible today, must have tweaked it the night before with you. You told him it was ok, to just lay back and let you take care of him. And you did, riding him slowly with his hands on your hips, his favorite position. He said he loves getting to watch you, getting to see all of it, all of you, getting what you need. You both came with a shuddering gasp, a steady hand on your back as your hips burn and he took over the best he could. A filthy sigh, a hand gripping skin so tightly it would leave marks for eternity. And when you went to sleep that night, chest to chest, heartbeat to healing heartbeat, you loved him. You loved him, you loved him, you loved him. Clutching each other desperately even in sleep, even after he drifted off with his head safe over your heart, you thought it was only a matter of time before he realized he loved you too if he didn’t already. You fall into a sleep so deep, so safe, there’s nothing except the feeling of a lifetime with him waiting for you when you wake.
Today you wake up so happy, the lingering glory of a perfect day yesterday making you smile. You’re awake early, the sun still hasn’t come up as you untangle yourself from a warm, heavy Joel. You’re still smiling as you walk down the stairs to make coffee. Maybe Joel would like some French toast, you made a nice bread yesterday and you have a hen who lays double yolkers. Perfect, just like everything else these days. You’re filling the percolator with water and looking out Joel’s kitchen window when you notice the barn door is open. You both closed it hadn’t you? Yes, you did you remember because Joel pushed you up against it and kissed you so hard your skin flushed, but you don’t remember if you actually latched it. Someone of something must have opened it in the night. You grab a knife and slip on your shoes, buttoning Joel’s shirt up the rest of the way and head out to defend your cows if you need to.
When you get to the barn, there's no sounds or signs of distress. Cows are sensitive animals and would let you know if there’s something wrong, so hearing no bellowing is a good sign. You grip the knife tightly in your hand anyways and walk into the barn. Immediately as you enter you yelp in surprise when you see a man laying face first in the pile of hay in the corner. Dirty clothes, dirty boots, and a dirty rucksack thrown next to him. You were about to yell louder or call for Joel when the man must have woken up and whipped his head around to face you, relief flooding through you as you recognize him immediately. Tommy.
Tommy Miller is normally a handsome man. Like Joel he has the most perfect head of curly hair you've ever seen, just a bit darker. Killer smile, warm eyes, less temperamental than Joel but they were cut from the same cloth. But right now he’s looking a little worse for wear and if it weren't for his eyes, the same kindness in them as Joel's, you would barely recognize him. His clothes are dirty and torn at the sleeve, his hair is wild and uncombed, his normally neat facial hair grown wild. “Tommy?” You say aloud, not really a question of making sure it’s him it’s a question of what the hell is he doing here in
Joel’s barn.
“Hey.” He mutters on a groan as he stands up out of the hay, despite his appearance and it being the ass crack of dawn, he looks pleased to see you.
“What are you doing here?” You’re trying to remember the last time he was here. Three years? Right after... anyways it’s been a long time and you’re bewildered to see him here and now. "Did you sleep out here? Why didn't you come in the house?" The questions are flying out of your mouth faster than you can catch them and reel them back in.
“Well, I got an odd week off from logging. Boss’ daughter is gettin’ married and said he would be gone two weeks. He said we can’t operate without him being there to oversee things so he told us to go home.” Tommy says, wiping his dirty palms on his jeans. “Caused an uproar but boss man said we would get paid just the same. It's bullshit and he's missin' two weeks of work from us but its no skin off my nose if were gettin' paid still. So I figured why not stop and see Joel for a day or two before goin’ home to Maria.”
That's so like Tommy you think. Even though he and Joel left things so horribly, he's still thought of his brother and showed up here to see him. They were both so drunk that night you wonder if they forgot what they were fighting about, but you figure you can't just forget the sort of thing they were fighting about. Tommy is clearly here with an olive branch and you just hope Joel will accept it. “I think Joel will be happy to see you.” You tell him, despite knowing Joel hides a grimace every time Tommy’s name is brought up.
He eyes you carefully. “Got in pretty late last night, didn’t want to wake Joel up so I slept in the barn." His eyes flicker down to your bare knees, Joel's shirt coming just shy of them. There's no malice behind it, simply just an observation "And you too I suppose.”
You flush and you suddenly feel sticky. Oh, God. You look down at yourself, wearing nothing but muddy shoes and Joel’s shirt that you always throw on whenever you sleep over at his house unexpectedly, which was a lot. You notice how this must look, how it does look, and even though there’s no conviction behind his eyes you feel like this past month with Joel is suddenly too exposed. The last time you saw Tommy, you and Joel hadn’t even looked twice at each other and you could count on one hand how many serious conversations you had with Joel.
As if Joel could sense the turmoil brewing in the barn, he appears out of thin air to come check on you. His hair still tousled and sleep in his eyes. “Baby, what’s the matter did you yell-“ He stops just inside of the barn and you see the exact moment he sees his brother standing there. His eyes cloud over and his face hardens. Neither of them say anything, Joel’s simmering anger ticking up as they stare each other down.
You finally clear your throat. You need to excuse yourself not only to change into something that doesn’t have you sweating with embarrassment, but you want to give the brothers space to talk things through. They now have even more to talk about no thanks to you. “I um. I’m going to go make some French Toast. I’ll expect you to come in and have some and have a bath if you would like Tommy.” You smile at him and crinkle your nose as you lift up his arm to inspect the dirty sleeve.
”You don’t have to do all that.” Tommy says, laughing in good humor as you drop his arm.
“It’s fine, I was going to make some for J- I was going to make some for breakfast anyways.” Tommy’s eyes flicker between you and Joel again and for just a moment you’re afraid you overstepped a boundary. This is still Joel’s house, and you didn’t even get approval to invite Tommy into it. Suddenly worried, you turn to look at Joel. His grimace disappears once you lock eyes and his face softens when you shoot him an apologetic look. You immediately feel at ease when he squeezes your arm and tells you they’ll be right in as you pass him to go inside. You change quickly and trot back downstairs to make breakfast, your stomach growling as you do. You’re flipping the sweet slices of bread in the pan as you look around Joel’s kitchen and even further into his living room. You realize everything here is littered with pieces of you. There’s one of your aprons you brought from your house because Belinda’s had been packed away about a year ago. Joel had said having her stuff still right where she left it was like he was still waiting for her to come back. Putting it away put him as ease some. You have two jackets hanging on his hook, a pair of shoes next to his by the door, a quilt your grandmother made you on his couch. The panic subsides when you realize Tommy has already seenyou wearing Joel’s clothes, no sense in hiding the fact you’ve been getting friendly with his brother at this point. And strangely that’s such a freeing feeling. You look out the window towards the fields. Joel and Tommy have wandered out towards the chard crops, Joel with his hands crossed over his chest, steady against the sky. Tommy talking with his hands shoved into his pockets. Joel is the one talking you can see, Tommy is listening, looking up towards the sky every once in a while. When Tommy speaks, Joel rubs his hand over his face and nods at him every once in a while. At the end, Joel extends his hand to Tommy, Tommy taking it but brings Joel into a crushing hug that lasts longer than you thought it would. You guess time heals all wounds. The two brothers look back up towards the house and start to walk back. Tommy says something that makes Joel crack a smile and kick some dirt at his feet. Tommy scrubs himself off in Joel’s tub once they get back to the house and changes into clean clothes before joining Joel and yourself downstairs for breakfast.
“That was amazing, thank you.” Tommy says with a groan, leaning back in his seat to rub his stomach. “Forgot how good breakfast that’s not cornmeal mush can be.”
You blush and giggle as you always do. Tommy is so handsome and charming, it’s impossible not to giggle every time he’s around. Belinda used to do the same. You sneak a peek at Joel who is also leaned back in his chair. He looks relaxed, happy even. He exchanges conversation easily with his brother, like he never left, like they never said things so cruel to each other you wondered how they would ever forgive each other. But here they are, flushed from the mid-morning sun, full and happy at Joel’s table. You excuse yourself and tell them you need to be heading home for a while because you just know more needs to be discussed between them and you don't feel like lingering around here for it.
Tommy and Joel both stand up with you. “I can walk you home.” Joel offers.
“That’s ok. I know my way home still, Miller.” You say lightly. Tommy chuckles and brings you into a hug, he smells like Joel’s soap. Clean and sharp.
“I’ll come say goodbye before I leave. I’m so happy to see you.” He whispers into your ear, kissing your cheek before pulling away. You nod and smile, swallowing thickly before heading to your own home.
Joel and Tommy stroll leisurely through the field again. Feet sinking into the rich soil and they walk up and down Joel’s straight lines of the most hearty looking Swiss Chard he’s ever seen. The sun has risen up and over the tree line and is drenching them in its harsh light.
“You done good this year brother.” Tommy says as he and Joel stop just at the edge of the field.
Joel looks out over his crops, the rows stretching proudly on and on for over a mile. “Finally perfected the timing to start planting it and the watering schedule. Give it another year and I could take it down to the county fair to get judged”
“Huh.” Tommy says flatly, hands on his hips as he looks out with Joel.
”Huh what, Tommy.” Joel asks, his defenses immediately going up at just a mere change in tone.
“Nothing. It’s just- I mean come on Joel do you really like all this? All this farming?” Tommy asks.
“As a matter of fact I do, it’s home, it’s my job now.” Joel replies. “But if you think you have something to say Tommy, by all means just say it.”
Tommy chews the inside of his lip. He hesitates before speaking, unsure if Joel really wants to listen to what he has to say this time. "You’re a logger, Joel. You know you are. It's what you were built to do, to be out on the river, not in a barn shoveling cow shit. Belinda made you come off the river, and I get that. Maria has asked me once or twice herself because she's terrified for me so I understand. But I would be miserable doing anything else and I know deep down you’re the same way.” Tommy tells him, then adds as gently as he can, "You know that I know better than anyone how much you're hurting, but it's time to move on. Nothing is keeping you here anymore.”
Joel's throat tightens and he does his best to suppress the anger flaring up inside of him. This is how the argument started the last time he saw him. Tommy had told him he needed to come back to logging and live a life away from all of this, to move on. It pissed him off then, the thought of someone telling him to just piss off and leave the life he built with Belinda behind. He bends down and inspects the leaves of his plants, rich dark green and bitter. "Anything else you want to bust my balls about, Tommy?"
Tommy pressed the toe of his boot into the dirt. “And what’s with you two?" He asks carefully, referencing you and Joel.
Joel grimaces and stands back up, knees popping as he looks back up towards his house. “That’s none of your business, that’s nobody’s business.” He says, a bite of anger in his voice.
Tommy crosses his arms adamantly across his chest. He didn’t come all the way here just to have Joel shut down again. “I know it’s not, but that’s what family does Joel. We talk and we tell each other things. Good things, bad things. No, it’s none of my business but I can see something’s goin’ on between you two and I just want you to know this particular thing would be a good thing. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.”
Joel softens a bit, his first instinct will always be to shut down and put his defenses up. Especially with you, he hasn’t had time to figure out what he’s even doing with you so being asked about it has put him on edge. “It just happened. I never planned on it happening, never even looked at her like that until this year. Just- I don’t know it just happened.” He repeats and rubs his hand down his face, a sick feeling slowing swirling its way into his stomach at verbalizing this. “I just don’t know what I’m doin’ with her.” He says honestly.
“Do you love her?” Tommy asks bluntly.
Joels blood freezes and his heartbeat roars in his ears. “No.” He says flatly.
Lies. He loves you. He’s known he’s loved you since the first time he kissed you and last night as he was holding you was the first time he had admitted it to himself. He even thought about telling you. In the middle of the night it was sweet in the tip of his tongue, but you were snoring softly and he had decided that he would tell you this morning. He was coming down the stairs to gather you safe in his arms again and tell you how he felt when he had heard you shriek from the barn and well, things got derailed. But maybe it was just as well that he didn’t get to tell you this morning, maybe it was a sign. As soon as he saw Tommy, saw the way Tommy looked between the two of you, everything suddenly felt too real. It was like getting a cold bucket of water dumped over his head and he wondered what the hell was he doing?
Joel starts to clam up, his stomach feels cold thinking about it. It’s so terrifying to love you and it was even more terrifying how easy it was to fall in love with you. When he holds you at night, your warm breath tickling his neck as you sleep, he hates himself for loving you. You deserve better. You deserve to have a well-off husband who will dote on you and all you have to do is enjoy yourself. You don’t deserve to be waking up at the crack of dawn to milk his cows, fingers cracked as you fill the pails. You don’t deserve to be out in the field with him, sun unforgiving as you pick rocks out of the field and staining your dresses with dirt. If he tells you he loves you and you decide you love him back, he fears you will be trapped here. You will be trapped with him. He doesn’t want you to have to be stuck here forever and meet the same fate as Belinda. And you’re so young yet, how the hell do you even know what you want? He doesn’t want you stuck here before you can even go out and find something better, to find someone better. So when Tommy asked him if he loved you he just says no.If he admits his real feelings out loud it would make it too real, it would make all the more difficult to pull away from you.
Tommy fixes him with a stare, trying to find an answer on Joel’s face that Joel won't admit to. “Does she know you don’t love her?”
Joel looks back up at him. He doesn’t know what to say. Guilt and horror wash over him as he thinks about the past month with you. He remembers how perfectly wonderful and happy he was with you, how happy and sweet you were with him. You always took care of him, but this past month was something more, something more precious and meaningful. He thinks about the way you always looked up at him from your knees, taking him into your mouth and touching him so reverently he had no choice but to give in to you over and over and over again. He thinks about every kiss, every touch, fingertips skating over sweat slick skin in the dark, every moment that pulled both of you further under. Ears closed and vision clouded by what you could only assume was reciprocated love. He considered this whole time that maybe you loved him back, he was counting on it even. This sick twist of fate, this dire circumstance somehow bringing you closer together and he just gave in to it. He should have known better, and he hates himself for every second he spent kidding himself. And now, as a harsh naked light is being shown onto it, he shudders with the shame of what he's done and what he now has to do to end it. To save you in a way he couldn't save wife.
As if Tommy can hear the thoughts clashing into each other in his head, Tommy speaks for him. “Look Joel, I don’t want to tell you how to do things. Lord knows I can’t anyways, but I can offer you some advice.” He steps closer to Joel and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I can see you have some feelings for her, even if it's not love, I know you care for her. And I can also see how she looks at you Joel. But you can’t string her along if you're not willing to love her, it's not right and she certainly doesn't deserve that. It's just as cruel to do that than just breaking off whatever you have going with her."
Joel breathes out a shaky breath, he feels sick to his stomach. "I never meant for this to happen." He repeats again, the words coming up and out before he could stop them. "After Belinda, I told myself I would never let anybody in like that again. I couldn't let another poor girl end up the same way and I can't believe I let this happen-"
Tommy stops him, both hands on his shoulders now."You gotta stop blaming yourself for that Joel. She got sick and the doctor said it would have happened one way or another because of her weak lungs right? Thats what he said right?" Tommy waits for Joel to nod before continuing. "There was nothing you could have done and it was not your fault. Belinda was happy here Joel, she was so happy here with you. I wish you could have seen the way she looked at you, the way she admired you and the way she adored her life here. And that's all you need to remember." He gives his shoulders a firm squeeze, trying to let the words sink into him so he would believe them.
Tommy's words go in one ear and out another. He's heard this time and time again. It's not his fault, would have happened whether she was here at the farm or her parents' house, not his fault, not his fault, not his fault, fault, fault, fault. He will never believe that, Belinda's father certainly hadn't believed that, and he'll be damned if he lets the same thing happen to you.
Tommy sighs and releases Joels shoulders. "Look, there's another big job coming up next month, same place as always. There's room for you on the crew still if you want to come out. We can use you, the new recruits get weaker and dumber every year." He says with a slight laugh to try to lighten the mood after such a heavy conversation.
Joel scoffs, stepping back to look at his brother with furrowed brows. "And do what? Just give up here and let my crops die? Sell off my cows and the farm? In case you haven't noticed it's far more complicated than that." He says, leaving out the arrangement he has with you. Even if he wasn't just on the brink of confessing his love to you this morning, for the time being you still depend on him and the lifestyle you have created together. It's all you've both known for years, this delicate balance.
Tommy shakes his head. "I'm not sayin' sell everything. Just sell off the rest of these crops, maybe a cow or two. You'll make plenty of money from that and from logging to keep the house and the land to come back to after the season is done."
Joel stops and thinks for a moment. This is ridiculous, it's not rational. But at the same time, if he leaves it could put some space between you and him. Give him time to get away and decide what the fuck he's actually doing here. If he's gone, maybe you'll wake up one day and realize you don't want him. Maybe you'll wake up and realize he's no good for you and you can leave here yourself and find someone better, someone who will take care of you the way you deserve. The thought of that is like a punch to the gut but he knows deep down it would be for the best. Joel rubs his fingers over his chin, stubble scraping against it. This is ridiculous. This is irrational. "I'll think about it." He says, eyes now following your tiny ghost like figure making its way into his barn.
The brothers spend the rest of the day together walking around Joels land. Joel grabs his tool box and Tommy helps him repair part of the fence that had rotted out. For the remainder of the day, they kept the heavy conversations to a minimum. Instead, Tommy shows Joel new scars and pairs them with wild stories as he normally does. They remember times from their childhood and their earlier days out on the river. They remember how young and dumb they were and how they can’t believe they got through everything with all of their fingers and toes in tact. Even though the conversation was light, Joel felt anything but. He had a nagging sense of dread tugging at the back of his head. How is he ever going to begin undoing this? How is he going to tell you he's leaving? Not for good but he will be leaving, he has to. You may very well end up hating him for it, but it’s for your own good. It has to be this way. And all he can do is tell you he's sorry for ever letting himself get a taste of you and feel his heart crack in half while doing it. It’s for your own good.
Tommy comes to say goodbye to you just as the sun is setting, Joel still out in the field and ushering the cows back towards the barn for the night. "You sure you don't want to stay another night? It’s getting late and I'm sure Joel's sofa or the guest room is much more comfortable than the barn." You tell him lightly, sad to see his rucksack thrown over his shoulder.
“Wish I could, but I gotta get home to my Maria.” He tells you, a sad faraway look on his face as he looks at you.
Your smile drops a bit, he just looks tired you decide. “I’m glad you came back, Joel is stubborn and I know he would have reached out to you eventually but I’m glad you did it sooner than he would have.” You tell him. Even though Joel still held anger towards Tommy, you knew Joel was still missing him despite everything. More than once, Joel had started to tell a story about when they were kids before he would stop himself and shake himself of the memory, the pain of not being on good terms with him starting to eat at him.
“I’ll be back before the years end, and I’ll bring Maria with me. We can be a proper family again-“ Tommy stops mid sentence and blinks his eyes shut for a second. “I’ll be back, I promise.”
You feel your body sinking at that. We can be a proper family againhanging heavy between you. For the first time, you truly feel out of place, standing in your kitchen you remember yourself and remember who the missing piece of their family really is. You know Tommy didn’t mean anything by it, but the guilt rears its ugly head once again. You both stand in silence for a moment before Tommy gathers you into his arms for a hug, quick and sweet. He separates himself but holds both of your hands in his.
“Whatever happens I just want you to know that I- well I just think you would be great for my brother.” He says, eyes focused on the embroidered towel hanging over your oven handle.
“Tommy I-“ You start to say but he stops you with a shake of his head and a gentle squeeze of your hands.
“You don’t have to explain anything to me. Just know whatever happens I consider you part of the family. Always have and I always will.” He tells you.
Your throat tightens and tears threaten to well up in your eyes. His words of comfort and reassurance washing over you, but a small part of you wonders why he keeps saying whatever happens. You smile at him, eyes watering as he smiles back and you walk him out the front door. He waves out to Joel who is now walking up your driveway. Joel offers to drive him into town to hitch a ride out to the river, but Tommy tells him his own truck is parked just up the road. It’s loud and he didn’t want the old engine firing off and waking Joel up. Joel joins you at the end of your driveway and you watch Tommy walk down the road until he disappears, a melancholy feeling settling over the both of you.
You smile up at Joel, expecting to be met back with a smile from him and maybe a kiss. But he doesn’t move, eyes just set on the road like he’s still trying to see Tommy’s figure walking through the shadows. You swallow and look back ahead. The sun has set now, and everything is blue. The sky, the grass, the tree line, bleeding together into hues of a cooling night. You stand there until it’s completely dark and you see the first star punched into the sky. You do the silly thing and silently close your eyes to make a wish as you always do, lips mumbling quietly to yourself as you make a wish from the deepest blue depths of you. When you open your eyes, Joel is looking at you and it’s cold. Goosebumps prickle your arms as you rub them and once again try to smile up at him, he returns a weak one of his own.
“You wanna come in? It’s getting cold.” You ask him sweetly, trying not to overthink his lack of the usual warmth you feel as he looks down at you.
Joel drops his eyes to the gravel of your driveway before speaking. “Go in and get a jacket and we can go for a walk. I think we gotta talk.”
