15. Trivium “Pull Harder on the Strings of Your Martyr” (2005)
You find out the hard way that being the metalcore uncle is somehow worse than being the QAnon conspiracy theory uncle. But is the conspiracy that Hillary Clinton drinks the blood of infants for stamina purposes really more exciting than a juicy breakdown? Alright, maybe.
14. August Burns Red “White Washed” (2009)
On a plus note, all this metalcore seemed to scare off the mosquitos. Not even blood-sucking insects want any part of this auditory barbarism. Sure, you can use Off! and spray your skin with unpronouncable chemicals that somehow make the mosquitos go “f*ck this sh*t.” Or you can put on this August Burns Red track that makes your family go “f*ck this sh*t.”
13. Bring Me the Horizon “Diamonds Aren’t Forever” (2008)
The cover for this album features a woman holding her intestines. Not sure whether it’s the large or small intestines though, and asking for confirmation from my family members individually while zooming in on the cover art only seems to further their distaste of this song. I guess they can’t even stand to look at metalcore.
12. All That Remains “This Calling” (2006)
Bands of this era really seemed like they were trying to out-brutal each other. The drums on this track in particular sound like assault rifles hellbent on desecrating your eardrums. It’s clearly working on my entire family, except for my grandma. She hasn’t been able to hear a thing in a decade. She’s the only one having a good time. I love gammy.
11. Bullet For My Valentine “Her Voice Resides” (2005)
This album was released in 2005 in the UK and Valentine’s Day 2006 in the US and took the world by storm. Only grandpa didn’t seem to get that message because he stopped listening to new music in the ‘50s. We all know that you’re supposed to stop exploring new music after 2009.
10. Parkway Drive “Boneyard” (2007)
Every genre of music would be enhanced if it had blast beats like the opening of this song. Unfortunately, my cousins do not agree that Taylor Swift’s career would catapult if she just attempted to throw in these punishing snare hits. Wasted potential.
9. Unearth “Endless” (2003)
All you need to write a punk song is three chords. All you need to write a metalcore song is a sick breakdown. The sicker the better. All you need to piss off your entire family is any song on this list. Good luck out there.
8. Poison the Well “Crystal Lake” (2003)
Poison the Well are absolutely legendary and they only deserve praise for their contribution to music as a whole. This album in particular was named one of the greatest metal albums of the 21st century by a couple of magazines. Unfortunately, my family couldn’t disagree more and they just keep asking if I can put on Fleetwood Mac. I can’t. I won’t.
7. Architects “To The Death” (2006)
No one here seems to be able to keep up with this track. It’s neatly all over the place and doesn’t seem to stay the same for more than three seconds at a time. When the general public is conditioned to the verse chorus verse structure they can’t seem to get behind this more erratic formula. That’s society’s fault.
6. Botch “Japam” (2002)
Botch as a unit was groundbreaking and have become legends in the genre. Unfortunately they broke up in 2002, which I’m sure delighted my family. But briefly got back together for some reunion shows, which probably upset my family. Fortunately for my family, they’re probably gone for good now. Damn it.
5. Norma Jean “Memphis Will Be Laid to Waste” (2002)
One of the many charming features of metalcore is that bands will do this one really high note juxtaposed with a bunch of the lowest dropped notes possible. The result makes you think you are in deep trouble. Or at least it does at this barbecue.
4. The Dillinger Escape Plan “Panasonic Youth” (2004)
Surprisingly, Dillinger Escape Plan uses standard tuning as opposed to drop tuning. Yet DEP sounds downright lethal despite using the same tuning as the Beatles. However, no one at this barbecue wants to admit that the guitarists for this band are equivalent to John Lennon and George Harrison.
3. Every Time I Die “The Logic of Crocodiles” (2001)
Lyrically speaking, Every Time I Die is fun as hell. Musically speaking, they make my aunt Linda want to leave the party prematurely and unfollow me on Instagram. Fine, more hot dogs and ETID for me then.
2. As I Lay Dying “94 Hours” (2002)
The most metalcore thing you can do is hire a hitman to murder your spouse, serve time for it, and still be in the band afterward. No one at this barbecue is surprised by this fact and just kind of figured every person responsible for writing songs in this genre had the same exact criminal background. Boy, are they wrong. Some of them are also Christians.
1. Converge “Concubine” (2001)
This album almost seemed to usher in the 2000s wave of metalcore and the cover art is iconic as all hell. The singer once said the lyrical themes on this record revolve around a dissolving relationship and emotional fallout, which is why this song is perfect for this barbecue, after which I will probably never be invited to any function whatsoever.
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